How to talk to strangers – Part 1
Karen Beilharz is a Sydney-based writer, editor and comics creator best known for her work on ‘Kinds of Blue: An anthology of short comics about depression’ and ‘Eternal Life’, a science fiction graphic novel with Paul Wong-Pan. (Find more of her work at hivemindedness.com.) She is a former editor of ‘The Briefing’ and attends church in Sydney’s Inner West, where she is heavily involved with their play group. She is married to Ben and together they have two delightful, precocious little girls. Whenever she has a spare moment, she is watching movies, knitting or furiously catching up on her Twitter feed.
It’s Sunday morning. The church service has just ended and you’re standing around, helping yourself to some morning tea. You see a new person and think, I should go over and talk to them. I’m supposed to be welcoming. But the whole thing is rather terrifying: Even if you did go over, what do you do? What do you say? What if your natural tendency towards social awkwardness turns them off and they end up leaving because of you?
Then someone you know comes over and immediately engages you in conversation. Or someone else talks to the new person. You’re off the hook. You feel relieved. But you also feel guilty that you feel relieved. Maybe you even silently promise God, Next time for sure! – even as you dread that next time.
If this is you, I totally understand. Talking to strangers is hard. It puts you outside your comfort zone. It can make you feel anxious and vulnerable and weird. Maybe you worry that you will make a fool of yourself, that the stranger will be unpleasant to talk to, or that the stranger will judge you negatively. I’ve felt all those things.
Not only am I not naturally good at talking to strangers, I am not naturally good at talking to people. But along the way I learned some people skills—mostly from watching other people who are better at this than I am, but also from continually being thrown into situations where I don’t know anyone. Here are some things I’ve gleaned.
Principles for human relationships
Before we get into it, it’s worth remembering a few important truths. Firstly, a stranger is a human being—created in the image of God with all the weaknesses and foibles of fallen humanity. It means that, in a way, there’s nothing to be afraid of: this person is like you. Not exactly like you, of course; God made us all individuals. But it does mean you have something in common.
Secondly, even though it’s helpful to acknowledge your fears and anxieties about talking to new people, remember that it’s not about you; it’s about them. If we are to follow Christ’s example of other-person-centredness in denying ourselves, picking up our crosses and following him (Mark 8:34), we need to push aside those worries and shift the focus off ourselves and onto the other person.
Finally, you’ve got to remember the goal—and what it’s not. You’re not doing this to score points with God. You’re not doing this to impress your minister, or other brothers and sisters in Christ. You’re not even doing this so that you can share the gospel with this stranger (although that is a very good thing to do!). You’re simply getting to know the other person so that you can better love and serve them in whatever stage they’re at (Christian or non-Christian), because they too are a part of God’s creation. They are the “neighbour” you are to love (Mark 12:31), and everything you do for them must come from this starting point.