She wrote “Our marriage collapsed because we failed to share our real feelings with one another. I began to share my real feelings with my sister and close friends rather than with my husband. It began subtly at first and it began to drive a wedge between us”.
He wrote “If I had to identify one reason for our separation it would be ineffective communication”
What these people have written about their marriage is true in many marriages today. Effective communication requires us to reveal all parts of all our lives and yet for many people, both blokes and women, this is what we are practiced at keeping hidden – myself included.
Some of us fail because we are unable to listen well and some of us fail because we are unable to express ourselves well. We need to become good at both talking and listening. Let me try and give you some pointers in how to be an effective talker (we will talk about effective listening next time).
Talking is important – I remember clearly taking my wife out to a restaurant and a couple sitting near us spent the whole time they were there talking to someone else on their two mobile phones… how romantic. If I had done this to Danielle as we were courting I would bet that we would have never got married. Talking is important because it helps us understand each other and it allows us to express ourselves to each other. Don’t just do it when you are courting, do it continuously during your marriage.
Talking takes an effort – I wonder what is the biggest conversation killer in your house hold. Having the TV on all the time I find is very effective for killing conversation. When a couple is new in marriage they can have lots of things to talk about but the longer they are together they find that they have nothing to talk about. My bet is this is not because of a lack of things but a lack of effort.
If you spent the time apart during the day, plan to find out what happened whilst you were apart. If your memory is as bad as mine, write down things you would like to discuss with your spouse in the evening. If you were together all day you can discuss each other’s interests or hobbies. You might even decide to take up a new interest so you can spend time discussing it. Something as simple as bird watching might be a good start, or a craft or …
The meal time is a good time for conversation but let me say you can only do this effectively if the TV is off. If your favourite show happens to be on when you are eating tea then why not tape it ? In the Bible Jesus spent many times eating and talking with people.
Talk about your feelings – Blokes I am not sure if you can remember what feelings are and you might need time to talk about what you think you might feel. We typically find it harder to express our emotions. The culture we were brought up in wrongly taught us that it is a sign of weakness to express our feelings. This could not be further from the truth. A person of strength is able to express what they think and feel. Sure, they do not wear their emotions on their sleeve for all to see but they do know what their emotions are and they are strong enough in their character to be able to express them to those who are closest. A good way you could start expressing your feelings is to jot down three things you did during the day and then next to them write down how each one made you feel.
Yes, to share what you are feeling makes you vulnerable to one another but so too does sexual intimacy and none of you would give this up (more on this another week).
Choose the right moment to talk – Whilst it is important not to have secrets it is also important to express your thoughts and feelings about each other at the right time. You might need to wait until you are both not over tired or over busy and have the time. As one of you leaves for work is not the time to discuss deep issues of a marriage.
Express affection – Sometimes you might need to wait for the right time to talk about sensitive issues but there is never a wrong time to express affection for each other. Talk about your positive feelings to each other and do it regularly. This can have a powerful impact on your marriage.